Dan and the Goose Step

There are not many things which get Dan get upset; the loss of his pet cat when he was a kid, the state of Compton Park near where he lives and of course geese. I say of course, like you’ve heard his adventures with Tarlton and Balton. I shall explain.

Tarlton and Balton live on a nice, rural, open farm just north of Wilm in East Darninghan. They are “looked after” by Nancy and Syd, who are the owners of the farm and also happen to have a bunch of sheep, cows and llamas.

Tarlton is around 2 years old, female and average size. Balton is 3 and a male. He’s generally bigger all round and is a lot more vindictive than Tarlton. You do not want to annoy Balton in any way shape or form. Clearly this is where Dan comes in, pretty much like a bull in a china shop.

Dan had booked a long weekend at the farms renovated stables. This was part of what he called “down time made” or Dan TDM for short. He got the idea from someone who called themselves a YouTuber. He admired this “YouTuber” as he never knew that speaking your brains could be so profitable.

Anyway, he’d booked the weekend after seeing some excellent reviews on TripAdvisory. It’s like TripAdvisor and the TV show Pointless had at love child. The lower the reviews the better. The farm had an average review of 0.5, from 297 people.

Dan never normally reads reviews as he doesn’t trust them. He’s fallen for fake reviews before. That thing in Africa still haunts him to this day. So much so he still wakes up thinking he’s being watched pooing by a giraffe. Again, I digress.

Dan arrived promptly at 4pm, checking in time. He met with Syd who showed him around and made him feel very welcome. Syd explained where everything was and what local amenities there are, “there’s the lock and rabbit pub just down the road and then… well that’s it really” Syd said with a slightly saddened face.

A single goose

Dan thanked Syd and started to unpack his brown paper bag. I have asked Dan about his paper bag obsession while travelling within the UK, and he always gives some answer about bug luggage and their attacks on him as a human.

I for one have never seen big luggage and have no idea if this is a real thig. Although once I did see Dan’s YouTube history and it was an eye opened. So many conspiracy videos about big luggage. I sis start to think it was written by an Irish budget airline.

Once he had unpacked, folded the bag into a small triangle and brushed his teeth he thought he would head to the pub. He opened the rather small door to the stable to find Balton sitting on the doorstep. Being a larger goose, he took up the entire step.

Dan looked at Balton and wasn’t sure how to proceed. He tried the classic “Shoo” while waving his arms. This was to no avail. He then tried a slow movement of the foot to the goose to encourage it to move. This was meet with what Dan later told me was “The biggest hiss I have ever heard, and I have seen Donald Trump do panto.”

The option Dan could think of was to look for an implement to push the goose off the step and just enough anyway that Dan could slip out. He looked around the accommodation to see what was available. The best he could find was toilet brush, followed by a ironing board. While the board was indeed bigger, it was much more unwieldy, so Dan went with the brush.

He opened the door slowly and approached the goose with the prickly end first. Balton did not move but kept a careful watch on the brush head. Then went it eventually touched Balton feathers, the goose jumped up and managed to clamp it beak on Dan’s left arm. The arm he had forgotten to hide behind his back in this manoeuvre.

There is a myth that geese can break you arm with a good flap of their wings. Turns out, they can also do some significant damage with their beak too. Balton had gnawed down so hard that it exposed the flesh under the skin and broke his forearm in 4 places. This left Dan in plaster for six weeks and unable to compete in that year’s company darts tournament.

Balton however, after a trail of his peers was awarded the Orwell Cross for services to annoying humans. However, just a few months later all animals at the farm had to be put down and the entire site was buried under concrete. Turns out the farm was built on an ancient nuclear power station and radiation as leaking up into the animals drinking water.

Well, that’s what was reported in the local paper but rumours persist that there is no way a nuclear power station could have been on that site in 1863. Some even go on to say that the documents stating this were faked and it’s easy to tell as they were printed in A4 colour.

I guess we will never know, but one thing is for sure. Dan hates geese.


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