Procrastinator of the year 2007-2010 (UK)

Dan sat alone in his old comfy leather chair. He gazed out of the window as the snow softly fell to the ground outside. His eyes were heavy with sleep; it had been one of those weeks, the kind that plough on and on with disappointment after disaster. He was so happy to finally be home, the sites and sounds of his own home filled his heart.

The old grandfather clock in the hallway with its familiar rhythmic pulse, the metallic sound of the boiler from the kitchen and the lovely warm crackle of the open fire. All these home comforts made Dan very happy, the complete opposite to the cold bland space of the hotel rooms he’d spent the last 5 days in. Dan hated hotels “They are so impersonal and unhygienic. Who knows what went on in this bed before I got here?”

Dan had recently started a new job as a Motivational speaker which was rather ironic as he was generally a procrastinator. So much so he held the UK title for procrastinator of the year 2007-2010. He was recently beaten by a Tory MP from Harlow in Essex, the Rt Hon John Marrow-Fecklock (JMF)

JMF was a leading figure in the Tory party until 2009 when tabloid allegations about his involvement in the Arms for Sheep fiasco were published. He still to this day, denies involvement in the scheme despite promises to publish records proving his innocence. He remains tight lipped about the contents.

The 2013 title nominations were due to be published in a few weeks and Dan wanted to make sure he was not involved in any way. He saw the motivational speaker role in his local newsagent’s window and thought he would give it a go. In the early part of the century he used to sell mobile phones, so he knew he had the skills to lie, cheat and be over bearing, which was lucky as they came up in the interview.

Unlike most interviews he had encountered this one was all about what if’s and not what have’s. He was not really asked about what happened in is past, when was a time he did X or Y but what would you do if “A” were to happen or what would you do if “B” decided this? He liked this new approached as it showed he already had the skills by decided on the best course of action.

The interview lasted just over an hour and was followed by a presentation to the other candidates. This again was a novel way to decided on the successful person, by testing their presentation skills to a bunch of people all out for the same role. The only helpful part of the practical assessment was the presentations had to be handed in before the candidate went on stage. This way the examiners knew if the candidate had changed their presentation following a rivals appearance.

Dan had written a minimal presentation which fitted on to one A5 card. It had 3 bullet points on it

  • Don’t Ramble
  • Don’t Mumble
  • Engage

The actual content of the presentation was made up on the spot. He figured that if you don’t learn from others then you are not doing a very good job to promote yourself. He sat and listened to his rivals presentations taking mental notes about what worked and didn’t work.

It would be 4 weeks before the outcome of the day would be known. The letter dropped through his letter box out of the blue, he had naturally presumed that he had failed as it had taken so long. He opened the letter and read the first paragraph.

Thank you for your recent Interview and presentation regarding the role of Motivational speaker. We would like to apologise for the length of time it has taken o make a decision, but due to the very high standard we wanted to ensure it was the right decision. After careful consideration we would like to offer you the position.

Dan leapt with joy. This was the most fanatic news. He was about to start a new career and finally put procrastinating behind him.

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