Dan and the Kettle

Dan was not happy at the recent developments in the world. He felt powerless to act upon the rage that had been building first with Brexit, then Trump-o-gedon and now, his kettle had decided to give up the ghost and no longer heat anything inside to a reasonable temperature.

Tweet

 

He typed in a tweet about how things come in threes and that the kettle breaking was the straw that broke the flannels back. He wasn’t expecting anything in return, but his mentions started to go a little wild.

 

People seemed to take offense at his misunderstanding of phrasing. It had never been an issue before, in fact, at work he was often called upon to speak in public about his role and what he brings to the office. People loved how his words were the best and how he could paint a picture with a 1000 words.

 

REAL

Dan decided the best thing to do would be to turn off his phone and ignore it for the remainder of the day. Especially as he needed to go to out to find a new kettle otherwise his caffeine addiction could cause issues. He did some reading online to see what features the most recent kettles came with and was surprised that one came with a maid, one had had a built in toaster and one even came with a Porsche. Yet he couldn’t be too choosy as his habit needed a fix.

 

There was this one time back in van, when he was a roadie for the punk-ska string quartet called “Snot-String”. They were touring the north of England working men’s clubs. The band, being all rock n roll, were often filled to the grills with narcotics of different strengths, while Dan stuck to his daily regime of 17 cups of joe all consumed before the day turned to afternoon.

 

This was until that fateful day when they arrived in Yarlington. They had been booked to appear in the 6 till 7 slot before the stripper but after the kid’s entertainer.  They were staying in the hotel by the train station, just up from the Hare and Thistle pub but before you get to the bookies.

 

Dan woke up as usual, he’d being doing this since he was a kid was getting better at it every day. He went to the kettle in his room to find the little pot sparse of those instant coffee stick things. He wasn’t too concerned by this. He had stayed in many hotels where he had to get more from reception. However on this occasion things were not going to be easy.

 

Turns out that the hotel industry was currently in very short supply of coffee. Dan was still not perturbed by this news. He knew there was a garage just down the street next to the “Happy Finish” massage parlor. He put on yesterday’s clothes and went over to see if he could find any coffee. Turns out, it was the entire country that was short of coffee due to a war in Uyandewi.

 

Now, the events that took place over next few hours have been well documented in the national press. In fact, the costs involved with the incidents have only now, just been paid off. It’s also worth noting that, the elephant and the tailor made full recoveries and are suffering no long term side effects.

Fake

Anyway, Dan now has a new kettle which can boil in under 30 seconds, cos he needs to have that caffeine in less than a minute, and it also has wifi and a touchscreen with full internet access. God knows why anyone would need this or anything like this. It’s PC gone mad.

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